My Daughter Got Her First Dick Pic Today

Ok technically it was yesterday but I was busy and didn’t have time to write, “My Daughter Got Her First Dick Pic Yesterday” just didn’t have the same ring to it. I’m the one telling my story and clearly my friend whose child sent the unsolicited AV material is not going to fact check me but I would have felt weird not being completely honest, especially when talking about dick pics, no one ever lies about if one of those has or has not been sent.

When I first saw an incoming message from my friend that opened with “I’m so sorry” I knew it was finally my time. I was so excited, I took an extra moment to soak it in, then I bothered to find out the details. Turns out a friends son had used his technology to send a video of himself dancing to my youngest, which was sweet except for the part where he was sans clothes. I read with elation what to me sounded like “You have a golden ticket.”

Now I would have used my Karen powers for good if I needed to but I was actually more in a rush to assure my friend that it was totally cool and I was someone who understands you can’t monitor your children 24/7 and that kids manage to pull off dumb ideas really quickly. Anyone who has worked with kids can remember at least a dozen times that they have gestured towards a giant mess and said “why?” knowing that the offender really doesn’t know, it just went from “there is a box of toys” “the toys are on the floor” with consciousness only becoming aware of the thought several minutes into time out.

P.s. some men do a version of this where they justify their actions to themselves and try to justify them to you before even considering to clear the cobwebs out of the empathy part of their brain that failed to thrive because of antiquated gender stereotypes. That’s right, it’s controversial in 2021 to say that as much as we suppressed women from dreams of independence we suppressed boys from learning to connect. This is all coming back to bite us, way worse than Montezuma’s revenge. We need to actively correct some stupid shit our parents and grandparents did. When I phrase it like that does it make you more likely to break free of the chains of the social construct of gender norms? Or did you stop reading back when I didn’t confirm your previously held beliefs? There is a little extra spice in this one, mic drop. Not really though, it makes a terrible sound.

Did you forget the golden ticket stuff while I was on my high horse? Sometimes the story just takes me like an invisible dog who is able to pull the leash hard enough to make me seem like I have been drinking because I can’t walk straight (I’m being told that some of those times I couldn’t walk straight were actually from alcohol, but other times I swear it is the story having a mind of it’s own…)

The most important part (besides that she used this as a teaching moment) is that now I have a “get out of jail free style golden ticket” with that friend if one of my kids does something stupid. I really should say when they do something stupid but I’m trying to be more optimistic. I want to have as many of those built up as possible because then when my kids inevitably end up doing something stupid, I can just be like “I guess we are even now?” and we can just laugh. It will be a moment of bonding, not embarrassment, because we are all just doing our best to garden these small humans into tolerable humans.

Extra bonus, now we have learned that it might never be too early to teach your children what parts of their bodies are cool to share with friends in an AV format and which ones are better left mysterious. Also that social conditioning needs to be actively reversed to empower us all to be independent AND able to connect.