Who Am I Now?

What do I actually do with my time? Is this a hard question for everyone?

Like, I don’t actually spend much time on my supposed hobbies. I don’t come home from work and bust out a gown, usually.

My book wish list is more aspirational than anything else. The information I want to know but it’s not actually pleasant to learn.

And weirdly having less time at home feels like having more since now my kids get less time at home so they want to play with their stuff and watch tv after dinner. My kids are fucking amazing at this point, now that we have found a structure that works for us they are the best fucking kids I could ever ask for, I look forward to their stories from school and providing them guidance on whatever situations arose. I like seeing what outfits they come up with and having to remind them less than 2 dozen times to finish the changing process.

I think the secret I’ve discovered, if there is one, it’s to not get discouraged permanently.

I think it’s important to look at where I started, I was starving from anxiety shutting down my digestive system and suicidal from depression, wondering if I would have to die for the kids dad to take care of them while I couldn’t get out of bed.

But now I’m feeling confident that I can roll with whatever happens. It’s worth getting through it. I’m just taking things day by day but I feel good, I’m re-trying some things and realizing that maybe earlier attempt weren’t failures, just very, very, very partial successes.

Life is like sediment, just because it didn’t have what you were looking for in a previous layer doesn’t me you won’t find it in a new layer.

It sucks to have to keep trying when the success rate is low but the alternative is giving up and I have some beautiful little humans depending on me so I gotta find a way to make it work.

I’m almost jealous of my kids sometimes since they are never bored, not that they don’t have downtime, I think it’s very important to have downtime, but they don’t get bored like having nothing they feel like doing.

Sometimes Hazel seems to get a little bored but then she comes to me and I suggest something we could do or she could do and before long she’s off an engaged in a new task. Sadie is never at a loss for things to do because as far as I can tell there is no lack of Minecraft and Mario videos on the internet.

I’ve had things I’m “supposed to do” to fill my time for so long that I feel like I’ve forgotten what I even want to do. I could sew or read but I don’t actually feel like doing those most of the time, I think if I had a project I was working on and excited about it might be different but just sifting through piles of potential fabrics or books hasn’t made me say, “I want to do that!”

I want to want to work out and have enjoyed belly dancing and the like but there is a startup energy for those and my proverbial started battery is…. Well let’s say temperamental

This also applies to baking too, especially since I’d like to be able to make more gluten-free options for Hazel but the is success rate has been pretty close to zero and that’s a touch demoralizing.

I’ve tried friends hobbies and let’s just say I’ll keep the friends but not join them for their hobbies. Gardening, antiquing, sports of any kind, fancy restaurants, camping, and a variety of things are not my thing. People genuinely seem confused that I really don’t find enjoyment in so many popular pastimes. And I really wish I did but that’s life, and that’s ok, I’d just like to find more things that are my thing and ideally some people who also have that as their thing.

It makes me feel good and bad at the same time to try new things and not enjoy them, now I can say I’ve tried it and indeed I really just don’t find the same enjoyment, and that sucks but it’s life so gotta keep moving.

Also there is also a war going on and I feel like I should be doing more but I don’t think anything I can do besides donating money will help so I try not to dwell.

I did buy some puzzles recently, I used to do that but kids and sets that need to stay complete are pretty much mortal enemies. There is going to be a long conversation with Hazel about how taking pieces would mean I can’t complete it and no matter how much she thinks she can be careful or how sure she is that she will remember to return them, she shouldn’t take them.

I’m sure I’ll be crushing her dreams of making a special “love potion” or creating The perfect ensemble of random game pieces puzzle pieces and God knows what else but that’s part of learning respect for other’s stuff.

*do all 5 year olds struggle with this? I’m told the desire to play with game pieces is fairly universal so like Elsa I mostly try to “let it go”

The kids are the people I’ll watch a show with just because they like it but I will also tell I’m not watching a show with them because I don’t like it. They are the people I would cancel my fun plans to be with if they were having a bad day but I would also try to set up in a better way so they don’t need me.

I still need more grown ups to hang out with and I’m still figuring out if I can find a more social hobby but as the kids get older that will only get easier so it’s not really a rush.

I look at my kids and I see how happy they are, and I helped make that happen, so somehow I’ll figure it out.

I listened to a chapter of my audio book and would totally be down for a book discussion, I just need to find someone with time who has my same taste in books, 8 billion people in the world, and someone wrote the book so at least someone else finds history as interesting as I do.

I’m feeling life without chronic anxiety for the first time in like a decade and it’s legit. So what if I’m still not 100% on who I am, I’m finally starting to enjoy the journey of finding out.

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I still wanna figure out what I want to be when I grow up

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Maria Dickmann

Maria Dickmann

I still wanna figure out what I want to be when I grow up

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